jocelyncee: (goodbook)
This is fabulous. It's called The End of the World. Watch it and laugh until you pee.

(Found via [livejournal.com profile] mookbear).

+
jocelyncee: (Default)
Since my parents live just across the river, I thought I'd steal/share this. Thanks Kat, you crack me up. :)

P.S. It's all true
P.P.S. Joel, you have the right to make fun of me for #6. Just because I've been gone for 3 years is no excuse.

__________________________

Visitor's Guide to Memphis
__________________________

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Mehmfus."

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Memphis has its own version of traffic rules...the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note:Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.)

3. To find anything in Memphis it is required that you know where "Malfunction Junction" is... which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end.

4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

6. You must know that "I-240" and "I-40" are the same road.

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Memphis. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

10. The minimum acceptable speed on I-240 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is the Memphis version of NASCAR. If considered sissy on I-240, do not even consider driving on Bill Morris Parkway/Nonconnah Parkway/385, which all happen to be the same road.

11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone.....you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped off" accordingly.

13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.

14. If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

15. If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, Memphis residents consider this "demolition derby" day and will be all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with caution as you could be their next target. Also note that the mere possibility of ice on the road will shut down all schools and most businesses until the crisis passes.

16. The "I-240/I-40 intersections" are considered one of the city's most exciting amusement attractions. Beware though...it is not for the faint of heart!

17. Poplar Avenue and Germantown Road convert to parking lots during all holidays and weekends. Please enter these streets cautiously, find the nearest parking space and walk to the mall for the quickest access.

WELCOME TO MEMPHIS!!!

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jocelyncee

April 2009

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