jocelyncee: (Default)
Yes, no one reading this will understand why this is called "another" drunk post... the first 'drunk post' was never public. Too much blatant honesty there, with too many names.

I wanted to get drunker tonight. (Yes, Katie, you'll worry about that, I know.) I find that when I get tipsy, I don't want people to leave me. It seems that I'm never ready to go home. That is something to be aware of, I suppose.

I wanted very much for Nick to be online tonight... someone I know I could talk to, and who I know would tell me I'm beautiful if I asked. I've heard that twice today from complete strangers, and right now it's not enough.

I think that I am more intensely myself when drunk. What I mean by this: I show my insecurities more, I am more defensive, I am more giving, more affectionate... just more everything. I guess I'm less afraid of being who I am... but I may just be more desperate. In my current state I can't really tell.

Katie's birthday was today, and we had dinner: Lyndsey, Anders, Ragnar, Bobby, Katie and me. Later on in the evening some seemingly random German guy (very drunk) came by, and squatted down between me and Katie. He flirted with Katie, then when she extricated herself from said unwanted affections, he started flirting with me. I removed myself from the situation (temporarily) by following Ragnar to his room to partake of the Hennessey Cognac and Coke he had. (Thanks, Ragnar, I did need that. :)

Anyway, within 10 mintues of my return, drunken boy started asking all the English speaking people at the table how do say he liked my boobs.

Not long after this, Bobby left to go to the party next door... Anders then left for home, and Ragnar followed suit. This was my cue to leave.

I was not ready to be alone again, but I certainly didn't want to be around the drunken fellow who also smelled heavily of cigarettes.

So, anyway... Katie was kind enough not to kick me out very quickly. I didn't want to go yet. I still don't want to be alone, but it's 1:30 almost, and I'm going to an SCA event tomorrow, and I have to be alive enough to at least finish packing the right things in the a.m.

I hate being sensible sometimes.

It's July now. I've been single for almost 6 months. The longest stretch ever.

May God help me stay that way.
jocelyncee: (Default)
I had an iffy afternoon, while I sat around being paranoid that I was making my friends uncomfortable by being uncomfortable. That thought process is exactly the hamster-wheel that it sounds like -- it does me and no one else any good.

Then I read this post by [ profile] mipuravida, and a reminder-lightbulb goes off. Remember, Jocelyn? it says. Remember a few months ago, when you were just going to enjoy your time in Germany, and enjoy the time you got with the people you got it with, purely for its own sake, and not worry about what happened or didn't happen? Remember when you were living life on life's terms?

Thank you, Robyn... now I do. I remember.

I may have amends to make, and there may be words to say, but I will not know what they should be until it is time for me to say them, if ever. The amends may need to be in my living and behavior, not some apology made for times I may have offended or imposed.

Right now, what sounds the best to me, the most healthy, is to take things as they come, and to relax and be myself. Thank you, Robyn, for the reminder to treasure every moment.
jocelyncee: (Default)
Not much to say today... not feeling particularly gregarious or entertaining, nor do I am I riled up or angry. Today I am at the end of things.

Something a friend said about a week ago has been hitting home: "some people are in relationships; some people ARE their relationships." It didn't hurt when I heard it, but the truth of it has been seeping in over the last few days. I know what he meant, because I am one of the second type of people. I am my relationships. I put absolutely all of myself into that other person when I am in a romantic entanglement, which I have been almost continuously for the past 12 years.

I have known this in my head for a good long time now: there I can also talk of years. I feel like today it is beginning to reach my heart. There is no heavy weight there, just a slow spreading of... truth. It is unavoidable, and I no longer have the energy to try an avoid it, anyway. I don't watch it with dread, or with hesitation, or joyful expectation either. I am here, and I see.

I have been depressed before, so I know that I'm here again. It is not the destructive kind, though. I can feel the constructiveness of this sadness and lethargy; I don't know when it will be over, but I know it will end. I don't expect it to end anytime soon, either. I suppose this is patient resignation, or at least resigned patience.

I am getting back to absolute basics. If I have to talk my way through brushing my teeth just to make sure they get brushed, so be it. Even though the lethargy I feel is all-enveloping, I am somehow doing what I would normally do anyway. I may take no joy in it, but I am doing each next thing.

I haven't the desire to hope. Hope for me if you will.

The thing about ends: they are usually beginnings to something else. I haven't the desire to hope for what this might be the beginning of. Usually I would, I would imagine, dream, delude myself that I knew what was coming, but I can't say that now. All I can do is be where I am, and pray that I learn what it is that I am to learn from this. No amount of analysis or inference can predict what will happen. That is not up to me, and never was.


May. 30th, 2005 08:11 am
jocelyncee: (Default)
I was tired yesterday... really tired. I stayed in last night, listened to some Stephen Hawking (a recording of one of his lectures and part of A Brief History Of Time) and laid down around 8:00 p.m....

... and went to sleep. And SLEPT. A lot. I woke up around four, and went back to bed. Didn't get up again until, you guessed it, just a few minutes ago, around 8 a.m.

I have been feeling so sleep-deprived lately. Now I know I can catch up. I had the curtains drawn last night when I laid down, and it was apparently dim enough for me to sleep.

I feel so much better now. It will take me a while before I really wake up, but I don't have class until 11:30 anyway. Plenty of time to wake up slowly with shower and yoga.
jocelyncee: (Default)
... to the question I most hated to answer when I was a kid... "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I think I figured it out today.

I want to be one of those professors who lectures in four languages, who is, at the same time, approachable.... kind-hearted but fair. Someone who challenges her students without overwhelming them.

I think that's really what I want to do, in that no-longer-so-distant day when I actually grow up. So, now I get to take certain steps that will enable me to get there.
jocelyncee: (Default)
Today is a day for thought and prayer.

Today began with more emotional outpouring and cause for serious self-examination than I expected. I am still tired from the exertion, the energy necessary to be completely honest with myself while searching out the hows and whys of old behavior patterns draining what little reserves I had this morning.

The reminder I need: I am precisely where I need to be today. I have everything that I need, because God provides it for me, each tool at the exact moment I require it, and no sooner.

It's a painful place, but a necessary one. If I am to grieve and go on, I have to spend time being sad, actually grieving. Letting go of the very human urge to avoid pain is more challenging at these times. The way out is through the fire. If I try to avoid these feelings that I must feel in order to grow, they only come back later, usually stronger than before. If we allow depression to do its work, which is to grind the ego to dust... and my ego is fighting tooth and claw. A natural depression, that is, feeling the sadness that a loss brings, is a necessary step in the grieving process. The five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If I don't go through the sadness, the depression, I will never come out the other side. The way out is through the fire.

God has custom-built this situation for me, complete with fewer responsibilities claiming my time and energy, so that I can more fully devote myself to spiritual growth. Every person in my life today was hand-picked by him, so that I might learn what it is I am to learn about myself this year. More and more I am filled with the feeling that there is a purpose to every action, every thought, no matter how small or insigificant it may seem to be at the time. Every good thought contributes to my ultimate good; every tiny action made on my own behalf enriches my soul.

To know these things and to still not feel 'good', that is, happy or joyful, is a difficult concept for me to swallow. I am not always this close to my grief; some days I take a great deal of joy from just a breeze blowing or a bird singing. If my heart were to sing today, the tune would be a melancholy chant, slow and almost inaudible.
jocelyncee: (Default)
After and up-and-down day, I get home, have a good chat with Tim today, and I get back on balance. It's nice to have friends who will listen to me vent and then offer their own wisdom, such as today's selection:

Just have fun. Life is simple -- it's people who make it complicated.

To top it all off, iTunes just played two Stevie Wonder tunes for me... just what I needed to get out of the minor funk I found myself in.
jocelyncee: (Default)
... of being productive. But it was a good day nonetheless.

After posting here, I made my bed, and immediately fell asleep in it, until about noon. I spent a lot of time this morning in thought and prayer, and I finished Everyday Grace. I have been marking places in the text (with little scraps of paper) at points that struck me as particularly profound or pertinent to my life. In the last couple of chapters, I think there is a bit of paper every two or three pages. In the last or next to last chapter, she actually tells my story. It is her own story, of course, but I related so completely to her experience that it may as well have been my story.

That took until 3 p.m. After having a late lunch, I finally sat down to some homework. That is still not done, but progress has been made. I went to see Kingdom of Heaven with Dory tonight (an interesting film, worth seeing, but probably not with your last $7.50).

So, now I'm home, and half-ready to go to bed, half-ready to stay up and work on my translation for Old French class tomorrow.

But none of that is really how my day was. It is what I did, but not how I was.

I was calm, and cheerful. I was grateful for my life as it is today, with every little snag, every miniscule delight. I felt restful, and deliberate. I felt confident that my life is exactly how t is supposed to be, and that I am exactly where I need to be, in order to become the person I am to become. I saw future possibilites without thinking them over-fanciful or deeming them childish; I looked at the past without condemning it or my part in it. I examined my life today, my feelings, my motives, my desires, and my fears, all without haste or reluctance. I know, with absolute certainty that I am being cared for, that I need not fret for the future, or dwell over the past.

Today is mine, without me ever having to take it. All I have to do is say "yes".
jocelyncee: (pissy)
This really got my dander up this morning.

"We live in a culture that mitigates genuine emotion of any kind, because it mitigates genuine anything. In a culture of denial, those who do not deny the depths of their feelings are often branded as fools or hysterics." -- Marianne Williamson, "Grieving" from Everyday Grace.

Well, in the immortal words of my first post here, fuck that.

I have spent so much of my life being afraid of what other people would think if they found out about how I felt about them. I have missed so many opportunities to tell or show people how much I care about them, simply because I was a) afraid they wouldn't feel the same, b) that they would think I was some sort of idiot for expressing it, or c) that I would somehow be wasting their time.

I missed reconnecting with a friend due to that last fear, that somehow I would be imposing on her, and less than a month later she was murdered. How's that for a reason to never hesitate again? I am dishonoring Beth's memory every time I hesitate or neglect to show the love and affection for anyone in my life, be they new acquaintance or close family.

Now, what I posted on this in my blog this morning sounds like I don't care how the expression of my feelings affects others, which is completely not true. Just because I am no longer willing to be too careful with the expression of my feelings doesn't mean that I force them on others who are not willing to hear, or that I express them in a belligerent way. No, far from that. Expressing 'love' with force, the equivalent of "I love you, dammit, and you can't do anything about it", is emotional terrorism. That's a tactic that I used to use, albeit in a more subtle manner. Attached to that tactic was always something manipulative, as though I were trying to force people to respond to my affections.

No, that's not the way of things. I have realized now that it doesn't matter whether or not my feelings towards others are reciprocated or not. I know that I love those whom I love, regardless of their level of responsiveness. Nothing will stop me from loving them, either, because this is from an entirely new direction. I look at the people in my life today, and I want them to be happy. I may not understand the choices they make, but I can trust that they are each on the road that they need to tread. My job is to be there for them, to love them and listen to them, to share and to laugh and to celebrate with them.

That is my job today. That is why I am here. What other purpose, what other justification for living would I need? I am on this planet to love, nothing more.


jocelyncee: (Default)

April 2009



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