jocelyncee: (Default)
so, I go to the Jazzhaus tonight to get out for a bit, since Mike Putnam invited me to tag along... well, Mike didn't show by the time I needed to come home to actually sleep, so I had a nice hour to myself there and went home afterward.

I had a drink there, and the combination of alcohol and soothing acoustic guitar got me in a thoughtful mood. Thoughtful intensified to pensive, then took on a brooding quality. The whole "why am I single" idea came up (of course) and didn't help matters; the thought crossed my mind to go to the ATM for more cash and stay for another drink or two. I decided against it (how, I don't know) and left. My mood didn't improve on the way; I was in a moderate funk by the time I got home.

But then, as God would have it (no luck involved there) I get home, sit down to the computer and Kortney comes online... tells me that a mutual friend is both pregnant and getting married, and we chat for a bit. Then Duygu comes online and I try to skype her, but we chat instead of talk because she's leaving for work. She asks how I'm doing, and I tell her honestly... that I'm bummed out about being single, but that I need to get over it. She proceeded to tell me exactly what I needed to hear, that love takes time, and patience.

Had I decided to stay at the Jazzhaus and get drunk (which is what I felt like doing), I'd have missed her and her wisdom.

Oh, and she's going to help me learn Turkish. :) Of course that cheered me up immensely.
jocelyncee: (Default)
Okay, you dear people of mine, I know how sick you probably are of listening to me bitch about singleness, etc. I'm holding up, and to be quite honest, as much as I rant and rave about not having any prospects at the moment, I honestly don't know what I'd do with one if I had it. It wouldn't make me any happier, I do know that much.

I am going to have to sit in this uncomfortable place until I get comfortable with myself. I hate knowing that for reality, instead of being able to live in denial and 'enjoy' my fantasy world of "I know how to do relationships".

I still keep wanting to pray: "God, grant me the serenity to accept a date if I get an offer, the courage to be myself, and the wisdom to let go when it's time to."

Maybe I should.
jocelyncee: (Default)
Thanks, sister. I think I needed that...

Crossposted on [ profile] saxysai:

Jason's argument: Women should do this [display their bodies in a sexual manner in the music business] if they want to because if their fans want it they should do it.

Okay, that was seven kinds of contradictory. Just like society. The laws of supply and demand do apply in the music business, but the fact is that the loudest demands aren't always the ones you have to pay attention to.

Now, if what we consider 'whoring oneself out' is what floats the boat of the woman in question, great. If Christina, Beyonce, etc. are happy doing what they're doing, more power to them. Juliana doesn't want to, wouldn't be happy with it, decided and acted accordingly. Again, kudos to her.

Pretentious and self-righteous for doing what you want in life? Tell that to a man... I believe that would be considered normal in the male. So why is it so negative in the female? Because we're supposed to be loving and nurturing, giving ourselves up for others? (How exactly is getting breast implants nurturing, I ask you?)

Okay, so I've been having issues lately with the role of the female in relationships, seeing as how I am one, and not in any at the moment. I feel a lengthy post coming on...

So, here it is.

I have been having random discussions about relationships with equally random people lately, specifically concerning the role of the female in a romantic/committed relationship. Most often the discussion has been based on biblical writings, including the (in)famous "Wives, submit to your husbands..."

Now, I've been round and round on this topic with a few people, and this is my perspective: The only way I can take that verse is one translation that reads "Wives, respect your husbands..." which translates in my head as "he's a grown man, you don't have to be his mother". I heard somewhere that even this respect means that women should go with what their husband decides on, no matter what it is, in order to show respect. Now, when this is a decision that affects just him, great. No problem with that. It's the idea that some man is going to be making decisions for both of us or for just me that I can't comprehend.

I must be a strange individual. I believe that a true partnership is possible between a man and a woman, where each person's needs are met, and each has both love and respect for each other, as well as for themselves. This is not 50/50, this is 100/100. This is what I want, what I hope for from a partner, and what I expect from myself.

I don't want to talk about my rights as a woman. I'd rather talk about my rights as a human being. Yes, there are differences between the sexes, and rightly so. Who would want to spend his life with a clone of himself? The differences make it interesting, but I wonder sometimes if we don't forget how much we really have in common with each other. The commonality can bring us together, if only we let it.

Great rant from a woman without a relationship. I've been far too dependent on having a man in my life, which is part of the reason why I resent the thought that I have to have one. Don't get me wrong -- I want that kind of relationship in my life, so much sometimes that I rush into things when I see the mere possibility of it in a new person. But the fact remains that I have been so eager to have that wonderful situation in my life that I have literally given up parts of myself in pursuit of that goal. That is what I know is harmful to me, and it is that sort of behavior that I visualize when someone quotes that bible verse. This is why I want something completely different than what society dictates should happen -- that I will somehow fall in love with the man of my dreams, so much that I will do anything for him, anything to make him happy, even if it means harm to my innermost self.

What society doesn't know is that I've already fallen in love like that, much more than once. I've also had guys claim to be that in love with me, which is all very well and good. What I'm looking for is a man who will not only love me, but respect me for who I am, the same way that I will love and respect him.

This break in relationships is purposeful, and will serve one: with any luck, I will learn that I am a whole human being without a man, so that when the time comes, I can be that whole self in a relationship with a wonderful person, with whom I can intimately share this journey.

I try to live in hope without expectation.
jocelyncee: (Default)
Yes, no one reading this will understand why this is called "another" drunk post... the first 'drunk post' was never public. Too much blatant honesty there, with too many names.

I wanted to get drunker tonight. (Yes, Katie, you'll worry about that, I know.) I find that when I get tipsy, I don't want people to leave me. It seems that I'm never ready to go home. That is something to be aware of, I suppose.

I wanted very much for Nick to be online tonight... someone I know I could talk to, and who I know would tell me I'm beautiful if I asked. I've heard that twice today from complete strangers, and right now it's not enough.

I think that I am more intensely myself when drunk. What I mean by this: I show my insecurities more, I am more defensive, I am more giving, more affectionate... just more everything. I guess I'm less afraid of being who I am... but I may just be more desperate. In my current state I can't really tell.

Katie's birthday was today, and we had dinner: Lyndsey, Anders, Ragnar, Bobby, Katie and me. Later on in the evening some seemingly random German guy (very drunk) came by, and squatted down between me and Katie. He flirted with Katie, then when she extricated herself from said unwanted affections, he started flirting with me. I removed myself from the situation (temporarily) by following Ragnar to his room to partake of the Hennessey Cognac and Coke he had. (Thanks, Ragnar, I did need that. :)

Anyway, within 10 mintues of my return, drunken boy started asking all the English speaking people at the table how do say he liked my boobs.

Not long after this, Bobby left to go to the party next door... Anders then left for home, and Ragnar followed suit. This was my cue to leave.

I was not ready to be alone again, but I certainly didn't want to be around the drunken fellow who also smelled heavily of cigarettes.

So, anyway... Katie was kind enough not to kick me out very quickly. I didn't want to go yet. I still don't want to be alone, but it's 1:30 almost, and I'm going to an SCA event tomorrow, and I have to be alive enough to at least finish packing the right things in the a.m.

I hate being sensible sometimes.

It's July now. I've been single for almost 6 months. The longest stretch ever.

May God help me stay that way.


jocelyncee: (Default)

April 2009



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