jocelyncee (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jocelyncee) wrote2005-05-02 09:55 am
jocelyncee) wrote2005-05-02 09:55 am
Entry tags:
Another dammit moment
This really got my dander up this morning.
"We live in a culture that mitigates genuine emotion of any kind, because it mitigates genuine anything. In a culture of denial, those who do not deny the depths of their feelings are often branded as fools or hysterics." -- Marianne Williamson, "Grieving" from Everyday Grace.
Well, in the immortal words of my first post here, fuck that.
I have spent so much of my life being afraid of what other people would think if they found out about how I felt about them. I have missed so many opportunities to tell or show people how much I care about them, simply because I was a) afraid they wouldn't feel the same, b) that they would think I was some sort of idiot for expressing it, or c) that I would somehow be wasting their time.
I missed reconnecting with a friend due to that last fear, that somehow I would be imposing on her, and less than a month later she was murdered. How's that for a reason to never hesitate again? I am dishonoring Beth's memory every time I hesitate or neglect to show the love and affection for anyone in my life, be they new acquaintance or close family.
Now, what I posted on this in my blog this morning sounds like I don't care how the expression of my feelings affects others, which is completely not true. Just because I am no longer willing to be too careful with the expression of my feelings doesn't mean that I force them on others who are not willing to hear, or that I express them in a belligerent way. No, far from that. Expressing 'love' with force, the equivalent of "I love you, dammit, and you can't do anything about it", is emotional terrorism. That's a tactic that I used to use, albeit in a more subtle manner. Attached to that tactic was always something manipulative, as though I were trying to force people to respond to my affections.
No, that's not the way of things. I have realized now that it doesn't matter whether or not my feelings towards others are reciprocated or not. I know that I love those whom I love, regardless of their level of responsiveness. Nothing will stop me from loving them, either, because this is from an entirely new direction. I look at the people in my life today, and I want them to be happy. I may not understand the choices they make, but I can trust that they are each on the road that they need to tread. My job is to be there for them, to love them and listen to them, to share and to laugh and to celebrate with them.
That is my job today. That is why I am here. What other purpose, what other justification for living would I need? I am on this planet to love, nothing more.
"We live in a culture that mitigates genuine emotion of any kind, because it mitigates genuine anything. In a culture of denial, those who do not deny the depths of their feelings are often branded as fools or hysterics." -- Marianne Williamson, "Grieving" from Everyday Grace.
Well, in the immortal words of my first post here, fuck that.
I have spent so much of my life being afraid of what other people would think if they found out about how I felt about them. I have missed so many opportunities to tell or show people how much I care about them, simply because I was a) afraid they wouldn't feel the same, b) that they would think I was some sort of idiot for expressing it, or c) that I would somehow be wasting their time.
I missed reconnecting with a friend due to that last fear, that somehow I would be imposing on her, and less than a month later she was murdered. How's that for a reason to never hesitate again? I am dishonoring Beth's memory every time I hesitate or neglect to show the love and affection for anyone in my life, be they new acquaintance or close family.
Now, what I posted on this in my blog this morning sounds like I don't care how the expression of my feelings affects others, which is completely not true. Just because I am no longer willing to be too careful with the expression of my feelings doesn't mean that I force them on others who are not willing to hear, or that I express them in a belligerent way. No, far from that. Expressing 'love' with force, the equivalent of "I love you, dammit, and you can't do anything about it", is emotional terrorism. That's a tactic that I used to use, albeit in a more subtle manner. Attached to that tactic was always something manipulative, as though I were trying to force people to respond to my affections.
No, that's not the way of things. I have realized now that it doesn't matter whether or not my feelings towards others are reciprocated or not. I know that I love those whom I love, regardless of their level of responsiveness. Nothing will stop me from loving them, either, because this is from an entirely new direction. I look at the people in my life today, and I want them to be happy. I may not understand the choices they make, but I can trust that they are each on the road that they need to tread. My job is to be there for them, to love them and listen to them, to share and to laugh and to celebrate with them.
That is my job today. That is why I am here. What other purpose, what other justification for living would I need? I am on this planet to love, nothing more.