jocelyncee: (Default)
Mine are not even friends-only-public right now. If you want to know, ask me. Email, IM, whatever. If I can tell you, I will.

Suffice to say, I'm surviving. Life in general is good, even wonderful at times, and I'm grateful for those blessings in my life. I'm usually aware of them, and consciously try to think about them when I catch myself in a foul mood.

Trouble is, I'm still letting those areas of lacking dominate my thinking. I stare into that abyss much too much to actually say I'm really happy.

I can't just sit here and say nothing, so this is what I wrote. It's not much, but it's a start.
jocelyncee: (Default)
Okay, you dear people of mine, I know how sick you probably are of listening to me bitch about singleness, etc. I'm holding up, and to be quite honest, as much as I rant and rave about not having any prospects at the moment, I honestly don't know what I'd do with one if I had it. It wouldn't make me any happier, I do know that much.

I am going to have to sit in this uncomfortable place until I get comfortable with myself. I hate knowing that for reality, instead of being able to live in denial and 'enjoy' my fantasy world of "I know how to do relationships".

I still keep wanting to pray: "God, grant me the serenity to accept a date if I get an offer, the courage to be myself, and the wisdom to let go when it's time to."

Maybe I should.
jocelyncee: (Default)
My last minutes in Germany are going to be spent in the company of friends.

Detti, who sponsored me when I got here (showed me around, helped me with all the paperwork, etc) and Lyndsey, who was another one of her sponsees, are both going with me to the airport. At 5 a.m.

Dory is getting up way too early to drive me to the train at Vaihingen.

My parents are meeting me at the airport in Memphis.

Nick is stopping in Memphis the next day on his way through to Tucson to have lunch with me.

I'll be seeing Kit soon. And Grammary. And Ken, when he gets home.

And Buddy. And Annie.

There is so much to be greatful for, always.
jocelyncee: (Default)
Thanks, sister. I think I needed that...

Crossposted on [livejournal.com profile] saxysai:

Jason's argument: Women should do this [display their bodies in a sexual manner in the music business] if they want to because if their fans want it they should do it.

Okay, that was seven kinds of contradictory. Just like society. The laws of supply and demand do apply in the music business, but the fact is that the loudest demands aren't always the ones you have to pay attention to.

Now, if what we consider 'whoring oneself out' is what floats the boat of the woman in question, great. If Christina, Beyonce, etc. are happy doing what they're doing, more power to them. Juliana doesn't want to, wouldn't be happy with it, decided and acted accordingly. Again, kudos to her.

Pretentious and self-righteous for doing what you want in life? Tell that to a man... I believe that would be considered normal in the male. So why is it so negative in the female? Because we're supposed to be loving and nurturing, giving ourselves up for others? (How exactly is getting breast implants nurturing, I ask you?)

Okay, so I've been having issues lately with the role of the female in relationships, seeing as how I am one, and not in any at the moment. I feel a lengthy post coming on...


So, here it is.

I have been having random discussions about relationships with equally random people lately, specifically concerning the role of the female in a romantic/committed relationship. Most often the discussion has been based on biblical writings, including the (in)famous "Wives, submit to your husbands..."

Now, I've been round and round on this topic with a few people, and this is my perspective: The only way I can take that verse is one translation that reads "Wives, respect your husbands..." which translates in my head as "he's a grown man, you don't have to be his mother". I heard somewhere that even this respect means that women should go with what their husband decides on, no matter what it is, in order to show respect. Now, when this is a decision that affects just him, great. No problem with that. It's the idea that some man is going to be making decisions for both of us or for just me that I can't comprehend.

I must be a strange individual. I believe that a true partnership is possible between a man and a woman, where each person's needs are met, and each has both love and respect for each other, as well as for themselves. This is not 50/50, this is 100/100. This is what I want, what I hope for from a partner, and what I expect from myself.

I don't want to talk about my rights as a woman. I'd rather talk about my rights as a human being. Yes, there are differences between the sexes, and rightly so. Who would want to spend his life with a clone of himself? The differences make it interesting, but I wonder sometimes if we don't forget how much we really have in common with each other. The commonality can bring us together, if only we let it.

Great rant from a woman without a relationship. I've been far too dependent on having a man in my life, which is part of the reason why I resent the thought that I have to have one. Don't get me wrong -- I want that kind of relationship in my life, so much sometimes that I rush into things when I see the mere possibility of it in a new person. But the fact remains that I have been so eager to have that wonderful situation in my life that I have literally given up parts of myself in pursuit of that goal. That is what I know is harmful to me, and it is that sort of behavior that I visualize when someone quotes that bible verse. This is why I want something completely different than what society dictates should happen -- that I will somehow fall in love with the man of my dreams, so much that I will do anything for him, anything to make him happy, even if it means harm to my innermost self.

What society doesn't know is that I've already fallen in love like that, much more than once. I've also had guys claim to be that in love with me, which is all very well and good. What I'm looking for is a man who will not only love me, but respect me for who I am, the same way that I will love and respect him.

This break in relationships is purposeful, and will serve one: with any luck, I will learn that I am a whole human being without a man, so that when the time comes, I can be that whole self in a relationship with a wonderful person, with whom I can intimately share this journey.

I try to live in hope without expectation.
jocelyncee: (Default)
Not much to say today... not feeling particularly gregarious or entertaining, nor do I am I riled up or angry. Today I am at the end of things.

Something a friend said about a week ago has been hitting home: "some people are in relationships; some people ARE their relationships." It didn't hurt when I heard it, but the truth of it has been seeping in over the last few days. I know what he meant, because I am one of the second type of people. I am my relationships. I put absolutely all of myself into that other person when I am in a romantic entanglement, which I have been almost continuously for the past 12 years.

I have known this in my head for a good long time now: there I can also talk of years. I feel like today it is beginning to reach my heart. There is no heavy weight there, just a slow spreading of... truth. It is unavoidable, and I no longer have the energy to try an avoid it, anyway. I don't watch it with dread, or with hesitation, or joyful expectation either. I am here, and I see.

I have been depressed before, so I know that I'm here again. It is not the destructive kind, though. I can feel the constructiveness of this sadness and lethargy; I don't know when it will be over, but I know it will end. I don't expect it to end anytime soon, either. I suppose this is patient resignation, or at least resigned patience.

I am getting back to absolute basics. If I have to talk my way through brushing my teeth just to make sure they get brushed, so be it. Even though the lethargy I feel is all-enveloping, I am somehow doing what I would normally do anyway. I may take no joy in it, but I am doing each next thing.

I haven't the desire to hope. Hope for me if you will.

The thing about ends: they are usually beginnings to something else. I haven't the desire to hope for what this might be the beginning of. Usually I would, I would imagine, dream, delude myself that I knew what was coming, but I can't say that now. All I can do is be where I am, and pray that I learn what it is that I am to learn from this. No amount of analysis or inference can predict what will happen. That is not up to me, and never was.
jocelyncee: (Default)
Today is a day for thought and prayer.

Today began with more emotional outpouring and cause for serious self-examination than I expected. I am still tired from the exertion, the energy necessary to be completely honest with myself while searching out the hows and whys of old behavior patterns draining what little reserves I had this morning.

The reminder I need: I am precisely where I need to be today. I have everything that I need, because God provides it for me, each tool at the exact moment I require it, and no sooner.

It's a painful place, but a necessary one. If I am to grieve and go on, I have to spend time being sad, actually grieving. Letting go of the very human urge to avoid pain is more challenging at these times. The way out is through the fire. If I try to avoid these feelings that I must feel in order to grow, they only come back later, usually stronger than before. If we allow depression to do its work, which is to grind the ego to dust... and my ego is fighting tooth and claw. A natural depression, that is, feeling the sadness that a loss brings, is a necessary step in the grieving process. The five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If I don't go through the sadness, the depression, I will never come out the other side. The way out is through the fire.

God has custom-built this situation for me, complete with fewer responsibilities claiming my time and energy, so that I can more fully devote myself to spiritual growth. Every person in my life today was hand-picked by him, so that I might learn what it is I am to learn about myself this year. More and more I am filled with the feeling that there is a purpose to every action, every thought, no matter how small or insigificant it may seem to be at the time. Every good thought contributes to my ultimate good; every tiny action made on my own behalf enriches my soul.

To know these things and to still not feel 'good', that is, happy or joyful, is a difficult concept for me to swallow. I am not always this close to my grief; some days I take a great deal of joy from just a breeze blowing or a bird singing. If my heart were to sing today, the tune would be a melancholy chant, slow and almost inaudible.
jocelyncee: (pissy)
I have had enough.

I have had enough of my own cowardice. I am sick to death of living by other people's rules. I am tired of giving a shit about what other people think.

I am a dancer. I move to music, whether you can hear it or not. I am a singer. I sing when I want to, where I want to. I sing for the same reason that other people breathe. What the fuck am I doing, worrying whether or not anyone hears me? What do I care if they're too afraid to sing for themselves?

When have I ever cared for the status-fucking-quo????

I am better than all this. I deserve all the marrow I can suck out of this existance, and all the joy, pain, laughter, tears, love, lust and passion I can get. Why am I sitting here on the sidelines, waiting for life to happen to me?

It's mine, god dammit. And not a person out there can live it for me, or give it the shape I want. I am standing on the brink, at the jumping off place.

Just watch me fly.
jocelyncee: (Default)
You know, I really have no desire to write just now. At least, not to describe in a witty, cursory fashion the events of recent days. My heart's just not in it.

My heart is in something else. I'm not confused, or struggling, or pissy, or anything remotely exciting or interesting. Maybe I just don't care, maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm not just anything, but everything. Everything I could be, everything I desire, everything possible. Everything.

Nothing to bitch about, nothing that I want to wonder about now. Nothing.

Okay then, when words fail, actions speak. What action? The next right thing. Brush teeth, change for bed, go to sleep.

May the noteworthy thoughts arise in dreams, and resolve themselves in whatever medium, be it paper, pixel or prayer.
jocelyncee: (pissy)
This really got my dander up this morning.

"We live in a culture that mitigates genuine emotion of any kind, because it mitigates genuine anything. In a culture of denial, those who do not deny the depths of their feelings are often branded as fools or hysterics." -- Marianne Williamson, "Grieving" from Everyday Grace.

Well, in the immortal words of my first post here, fuck that.

I have spent so much of my life being afraid of what other people would think if they found out about how I felt about them. I have missed so many opportunities to tell or show people how much I care about them, simply because I was a) afraid they wouldn't feel the same, b) that they would think I was some sort of idiot for expressing it, or c) that I would somehow be wasting their time.

I missed reconnecting with a friend due to that last fear, that somehow I would be imposing on her, and less than a month later she was murdered. How's that for a reason to never hesitate again? I am dishonoring Beth's memory every time I hesitate or neglect to show the love and affection for anyone in my life, be they new acquaintance or close family.

Now, what I posted on this in my blog this morning sounds like I don't care how the expression of my feelings affects others, which is completely not true. Just because I am no longer willing to be too careful with the expression of my feelings doesn't mean that I force them on others who are not willing to hear, or that I express them in a belligerent way. No, far from that. Expressing 'love' with force, the equivalent of "I love you, dammit, and you can't do anything about it", is emotional terrorism. That's a tactic that I used to use, albeit in a more subtle manner. Attached to that tactic was always something manipulative, as though I were trying to force people to respond to my affections.

No, that's not the way of things. I have realized now that it doesn't matter whether or not my feelings towards others are reciprocated or not. I know that I love those whom I love, regardless of their level of responsiveness. Nothing will stop me from loving them, either, because this is from an entirely new direction. I look at the people in my life today, and I want them to be happy. I may not understand the choices they make, but I can trust that they are each on the road that they need to tread. My job is to be there for them, to love them and listen to them, to share and to laugh and to celebrate with them.

That is my job today. That is why I am here. What other purpose, what other justification for living would I need? I am on this planet to love, nothing more.

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jocelyncee

April 2009

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