jocelyncee (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jocelyncee) wrote2005-05-22 04:40 pm
jocelyncee) wrote2005-05-22 04:40 pm
Entry tags:
recent revelations
Today is a day for thought and prayer.
Today began with more emotional outpouring and cause for serious self-examination than I expected. I am still tired from the exertion, the energy necessary to be completely honest with myself while searching out the hows and whys of old behavior patterns draining what little reserves I had this morning.
The reminder I need: I am precisely where I need to be today. I have everything that I need, because God provides it for me, each tool at the exact moment I require it, and no sooner.
It's a painful place, but a necessary one. If I am to grieve and go on, I have to spend time being sad, actually grieving. Letting go of the very human urge to avoid pain is more challenging at these times. The way out is through the fire. If I try to avoid these feelings that I must feel in order to grow, they only come back later, usually stronger than before. If we allow depression to do its work, which is to grind the ego to dust... and my ego is fighting tooth and claw. A natural depression, that is, feeling the sadness that a loss brings, is a necessary step in the grieving process. The five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If I don't go through the sadness, the depression, I will never come out the other side. The way out is through the fire.
God has custom-built this situation for me, complete with fewer responsibilities claiming my time and energy, so that I can more fully devote myself to spiritual growth. Every person in my life today was hand-picked by him, so that I might learn what it is I am to learn about myself this year. More and more I am filled with the feeling that there is a purpose to every action, every thought, no matter how small or insigificant it may seem to be at the time. Every good thought contributes to my ultimate good; every tiny action made on my own behalf enriches my soul.
To know these things and to still not feel 'good', that is, happy or joyful, is a difficult concept for me to swallow. I am not always this close to my grief; some days I take a great deal of joy from just a breeze blowing or a bird singing. If my heart were to sing today, the tune would be a melancholy chant, slow and almost inaudible.
Today began with more emotional outpouring and cause for serious self-examination than I expected. I am still tired from the exertion, the energy necessary to be completely honest with myself while searching out the hows and whys of old behavior patterns draining what little reserves I had this morning.
The reminder I need: I am precisely where I need to be today. I have everything that I need, because God provides it for me, each tool at the exact moment I require it, and no sooner.
It's a painful place, but a necessary one. If I am to grieve and go on, I have to spend time being sad, actually grieving. Letting go of the very human urge to avoid pain is more challenging at these times. The way out is through the fire. If I try to avoid these feelings that I must feel in order to grow, they only come back later, usually stronger than before. If we allow depression to do its work, which is to grind the ego to dust... and my ego is fighting tooth and claw. A natural depression, that is, feeling the sadness that a loss brings, is a necessary step in the grieving process. The five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If I don't go through the sadness, the depression, I will never come out the other side. The way out is through the fire.
God has custom-built this situation for me, complete with fewer responsibilities claiming my time and energy, so that I can more fully devote myself to spiritual growth. Every person in my life today was hand-picked by him, so that I might learn what it is I am to learn about myself this year. More and more I am filled with the feeling that there is a purpose to every action, every thought, no matter how small or insigificant it may seem to be at the time. Every good thought contributes to my ultimate good; every tiny action made on my own behalf enriches my soul.
To know these things and to still not feel 'good', that is, happy or joyful, is a difficult concept for me to swallow. I am not always this close to my grief; some days I take a great deal of joy from just a breeze blowing or a bird singing. If my heart were to sing today, the tune would be a melancholy chant, slow and almost inaudible.