jocelyncee (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jocelyncee) wrote2005-06-08 10:18 am
jocelyncee) wrote2005-06-08 10:18 am
Entry tags:
the beginning of... something
Not much to say today... not feeling particularly gregarious or entertaining, nor do I am I riled up or angry. Today I am at the end of things.
Something a friend said about a week ago has been hitting home: "some people are in relationships; some people ARE their relationships." It didn't hurt when I heard it, but the truth of it has been seeping in over the last few days. I know what he meant, because I am one of the second type of people. I am my relationships. I put absolutely all of myself into that other person when I am in a romantic entanglement, which I have been almost continuously for the past 12 years.
I have known this in my head for a good long time now: there I can also talk of years. I feel like today it is beginning to reach my heart. There is no heavy weight there, just a slow spreading of... truth. It is unavoidable, and I no longer have the energy to try an avoid it, anyway. I don't watch it with dread, or with hesitation, or joyful expectation either. I am here, and I see.
I have been depressed before, so I know that I'm here again. It is not the destructive kind, though. I can feel the constructiveness of this sadness and lethargy; I don't know when it will be over, but I know it will end. I don't expect it to end anytime soon, either. I suppose this is patient resignation, or at least resigned patience.
I am getting back to absolute basics. If I have to talk my way through brushing my teeth just to make sure they get brushed, so be it. Even though the lethargy I feel is all-enveloping, I am somehow doing what I would normally do anyway. I may take no joy in it, but I am doing each next thing.
I haven't the desire to hope. Hope for me if you will.
The thing about ends: they are usually beginnings to something else. I haven't the desire to hope for what this might be the beginning of. Usually I would, I would imagine, dream, delude myself that I knew what was coming, but I can't say that now. All I can do is be where I am, and pray that I learn what it is that I am to learn from this. No amount of analysis or inference can predict what will happen. That is not up to me, and never was.
Something a friend said about a week ago has been hitting home: "some people are in relationships; some people ARE their relationships." It didn't hurt when I heard it, but the truth of it has been seeping in over the last few days. I know what he meant, because I am one of the second type of people. I am my relationships. I put absolutely all of myself into that other person when I am in a romantic entanglement, which I have been almost continuously for the past 12 years.
I have known this in my head for a good long time now: there I can also talk of years. I feel like today it is beginning to reach my heart. There is no heavy weight there, just a slow spreading of... truth. It is unavoidable, and I no longer have the energy to try an avoid it, anyway. I don't watch it with dread, or with hesitation, or joyful expectation either. I am here, and I see.
I have been depressed before, so I know that I'm here again. It is not the destructive kind, though. I can feel the constructiveness of this sadness and lethargy; I don't know when it will be over, but I know it will end. I don't expect it to end anytime soon, either. I suppose this is patient resignation, or at least resigned patience.
I am getting back to absolute basics. If I have to talk my way through brushing my teeth just to make sure they get brushed, so be it. Even though the lethargy I feel is all-enveloping, I am somehow doing what I would normally do anyway. I may take no joy in it, but I am doing each next thing.
I haven't the desire to hope. Hope for me if you will.
The thing about ends: they are usually beginnings to something else. I haven't the desire to hope for what this might be the beginning of. Usually I would, I would imagine, dream, delude myself that I knew what was coming, but I can't say that now. All I can do is be where I am, and pray that I learn what it is that I am to learn from this. No amount of analysis or inference can predict what will happen. That is not up to me, and never was.