Okay, you dear people of mine, I know how sick you probably are of listening to me bitch about singleness, etc. I'm holding up, and to be quite honest, as much as I rant and rave about not having any prospects at the moment, I honestly don't know what I'd do with one if I had it. It wouldn't make me any happier, I do know that much.

I am going to have to sit in this uncomfortable place until I get comfortable with myself. I hate knowing that for reality, instead of being able to live in denial and 'enjoy' my fantasy world of "I know how to do relationships".

I still keep wanting to pray: "God, grant me the serenity to accept a date if I get an offer, the courage to be myself, and the wisdom to let go when it's time to."

Maybe I should.

Thanks, sister. I think I needed that...

Crossposted on saxysai:

Jason's argument: Women should do this [display their bodies in a sexual manner in the music business] if they want to because if their fans want it they should do it.

Okay, that was seven kinds of contradictory. Just like society. The laws of supply and demand do apply in the music business, but the fact is that the loudest demands aren't always the ones you have to pay attention to.

Now, if what we consider 'whoring oneself out' is what floats the boat of the woman in question, great. If Christina, Beyonce, etc. are happy doing what they're doing, more power to them. Juliana doesn't want to, wouldn't be happy with it, decided and acted accordingly. Again, kudos to her.

Pretentious and self-righteous for doing what you want in life? Tell that to a man... I believe that would be considered normal in the male. So why is it so negative in the female? Because we're supposed to be loving and nurturing, giving ourselves up for others? (How exactly is getting breast implants nurturing, I ask you?)

Okay, so I've been having issues lately with the role of the female in relationships, seeing as how I am one, and not in any at the moment. I feel a lengthy post coming on...

So, here it is.

I have been having random discussions about relationships with equally random people lately, specifically concerning the role of the female in a romantic/committed relationship. Most often the discussion has been based on biblical writings, including the (in)famous "Wives, submit to your husbands..."

Now, I've been round and round on this topic with a few people, and this is my perspective: The only way I can take that verse is one translation that reads "Wives, respect your husbands..." which translates in my head as "he's a grown man, you don't have to be his mother". I heard somewhere that even this respect means that women should go with what their husband decides on, no matter what it is, in order to show respect. Now, when this is a decision that affects just him, great. No problem with that. It's the idea that some man is going to be making decisions for both of us or for just me that I can't comprehend.

I must be a strange individual. I believe that a true partnership is possible between a man and a woman, where each person's needs are met, and each has both love and respect for each other, as well as for themselves. This is not 50/50, this is 100/100. This is what I want, what I hope for from a partner, and what I expect from myself.

I don't want to talk about my rights as a woman. I'd rather talk about my rights as a human being. Yes, there are differences between the sexes, and rightly so. Who would want to spend his life with a clone of himself? The differences make it interesting, but I wonder sometimes if we don't forget how much we really have in common with each other. The commonality can bring us together, if only we let it.

Great rant from a woman without a relationship. I've been far too dependent on having a man in my life, which is part of the reason why I resent the thought that I have to have one. Don't get me wrong -- I want that kind of relationship in my life, so much sometimes that I rush into things when I see the mere possibility of it in a new person. But the fact remains that I have been so eager to have that wonderful situation in my life that I have literally given up parts of myself in pursuit of that goal. That is what I know is harmful to me, and it is that sort of behavior that I visualize when someone quotes that bible verse. This is why I want something completely different than what society dictates should happen -- that I will somehow fall in love with the man of my dreams, so much that I will do anything for him, anything to make him happy, even if it means harm to my innermost self.

What society doesn't know is that I've already fallen in love like that, much more than once. I've also had guys claim to be that in love with me, which is all very well and good. What I'm looking for is a man who will not only love me, but respect me for who I am, the same way that I will love and respect him.

This break in relationships is purposeful, and will serve one: with any luck, I will learn that I am a whole human being without a man, so that when the time comes, I can be that whole self in a relationship with a wonderful person, with whom I can intimately share this journey.

I try to live in hope without expectation.

Today is a day for thought and prayer.

Today began with more emotional outpouring and cause for serious self-examination than I expected. I am still tired from the exertion, the energy necessary to be completely honest with myself while searching out the hows and whys of old behavior patterns draining what little reserves I had this morning.

The reminder I need: I am precisely where I need to be today. I have everything that I need, because God provides it for me, each tool at the exact moment I require it, and no sooner.

It's a painful place, but a necessary one. If I am to grieve and go on, I have to spend time being sad, actually grieving. Letting go of the very human urge to avoid pain is more challenging at these times. The way out is through the fire. If I try to avoid these feelings that I must feel in order to grow, they only come back later, usually stronger than before. If we allow depression to do its work, which is to grind the ego to dust... and my ego is fighting tooth and claw. A natural depression, that is, feeling the sadness that a loss brings, is a necessary step in the grieving process. The five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If I don't go through the sadness, the depression, I will never come out the other side. The way out is through the fire.

God has custom-built this situation for me, complete with fewer responsibilities claiming my time and energy, so that I can more fully devote myself to spiritual growth. Every person in my life today was hand-picked by him, so that I might learn what it is I am to learn about myself this year. More and more I am filled with the feeling that there is a purpose to every action, every thought, no matter how small or insigificant it may seem to be at the time. Every good thought contributes to my ultimate good; every tiny action made on my own behalf enriches my soul.

To know these things and to still not feel 'good', that is, happy or joyful, is a difficult concept for me to swallow. I am not always this close to my grief; some days I take a great deal of joy from just a breeze blowing or a bird singing. If my heart were to sing today, the tune would be a melancholy chant, slow and almost inaudible.

You know, I really have no desire to write just now. At least, not to describe in a witty, cursory fashion the events of recent days. My heart's just not in it.

My heart is in something else. I'm not confused, or struggling, or pissy, or anything remotely exciting or interesting. Maybe I just don't care, maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm not just anything, but everything. Everything I could be, everything I desire, everything possible. Everything.

Nothing to bitch about, nothing that I want to wonder about now. Nothing.

Okay then, when words fail, actions speak. What action? The next right thing. Brush teeth, change for bed, go to sleep.

May the noteworthy thoughts arise in dreams, and resolve themselves in whatever medium, be it paper, pixel or prayer.