finally settling down
Apr. 4th, 2005 12:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jocelynceeWell, kids, it's yet another sleepless night pre-transatlantic. Admittedly, I'm ripping as much music as possible onto iTunes before I go, so it's not like I'm not occupied... and the cat is keeping me company. The laundry is done, and most of it's packed already. I still have to find homes for a few books, and for the down comforter that I *swore* I'd be leaving at home, but that I now can't quite part with for some odd reason*.
But still, tomorrow is going to be a long one. Mom, and maybe Dad too, will be taking me to the airport, and we'll be leaving about noon, if all goes well.
Shit. I will be all-ways-buggered tired Tuesday. Maybe I'll actually sleep through the night then. God knows I won't tonight, or on the plane tomorrow.
But, so far, so good, with this whole "My Life Dammit" plan. And I'm actually enjoying singlehood, when I get to thinking about it. Not that I wouldn't love to go for coffee/drinks/dancing with someone, particular or not, but I'm not going to keel over and die if I don't. I especially won't keel over and die if I don't find Someone to obsess over. This month at home has been particularly good for getting me over my little flaws of thinking, especially the ones that say I Need A Man To Be A Whole Person.
It is truly a good and wonderful thing to find the true bullshit ideas in my head, and, no matter where they came from, muck out my brain every once in a while. This month has been quite useful for mucking out. Areas of my life that I had formerly considered fragmented are now displaying their pattern and purpose.
Even seemingly random journals and websites are beginning to make sense... that is, I am beginning to understand the reason they exist. I have a great desire to communicate -- especially what I think and feel (which are the only things I can truly communicate, anyway). My entire life, my entire purpose, is bound up with communication. Languages, music, visual arts, theater, dance, and web design are all means I use to express myself -- my true self. I don't hide as much anymore, but I also don't tell my life story to anyone who will stand still for it**.
The best part is the payback. Even though I can't expect it, when I get a response from someone, be it an applauding audience at a recital or a brightening of the eyes when I switch to another person's native language***, that's when I know I'm succeeding as a communicator. Hell, even dropping into someone else's accent is my way of trying to understand them and be understood.
So, I can live my own life, and still show compassion for others. This is an encouraging realization.
------------------
*must be that IKEA addiction. That is where I got it.
**as well as many who won't.
***and I'm adding more every day. Nothing as fluent as German yet, but the list is getting longer...
But still, tomorrow is going to be a long one. Mom, and maybe Dad too, will be taking me to the airport, and we'll be leaving about noon, if all goes well.
Shit. I will be all-ways-buggered tired Tuesday. Maybe I'll actually sleep through the night then. God knows I won't tonight, or on the plane tomorrow.
But, so far, so good, with this whole "My Life Dammit" plan. And I'm actually enjoying singlehood, when I get to thinking about it. Not that I wouldn't love to go for coffee/drinks/dancing with someone, particular or not, but I'm not going to keel over and die if I don't. I especially won't keel over and die if I don't find Someone to obsess over. This month at home has been particularly good for getting me over my little flaws of thinking, especially the ones that say I Need A Man To Be A Whole Person.
It is truly a good and wonderful thing to find the true bullshit ideas in my head, and, no matter where they came from, muck out my brain every once in a while. This month has been quite useful for mucking out. Areas of my life that I had formerly considered fragmented are now displaying their pattern and purpose.
Even seemingly random journals and websites are beginning to make sense... that is, I am beginning to understand the reason they exist. I have a great desire to communicate -- especially what I think and feel (which are the only things I can truly communicate, anyway). My entire life, my entire purpose, is bound up with communication. Languages, music, visual arts, theater, dance, and web design are all means I use to express myself -- my true self. I don't hide as much anymore, but I also don't tell my life story to anyone who will stand still for it**.
The best part is the payback. Even though I can't expect it, when I get a response from someone, be it an applauding audience at a recital or a brightening of the eyes when I switch to another person's native language***, that's when I know I'm succeeding as a communicator. Hell, even dropping into someone else's accent is my way of trying to understand them and be understood.
So, I can live my own life, and still show compassion for others. This is an encouraging realization.
------------------
*must be that IKEA addiction. That is where I got it.
**as well as many who won't.
***and I'm adding more every day. Nothing as fluent as German yet, but the list is getting longer...
